they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
