That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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