i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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