3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible