just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
