Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have fence marks all over my body
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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