Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
