So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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