I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
