just come out here and I will go home with you...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
