My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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