I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
