i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
