I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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