just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
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Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
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How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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