1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
we have pet lesbian snakes
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
