Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize