I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
