my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
