I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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