remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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