We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
