mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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