Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
