I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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