when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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