just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
