Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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