I cannot find my penis.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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