woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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