How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
