any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
