Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
