so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
