i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Randomize
