It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
