I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
