Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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