so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
