I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
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You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
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Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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