...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
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