I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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