What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
