You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
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I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
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I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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