I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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