Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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