you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
