i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
