Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
