apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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