Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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