I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
