Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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