Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
