I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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